My decision to become a single mother has been hard for me because I have to take care of myself while caring for my two year old daughter at the same time, without that much help. Financially, I practically do it on my own. I do not receive child support or any assistance from the government. I work a full time job to provide for us, but no matter how hard I think it is I just look at her and I realize that I made the best decision for her.
It could be a lot harder than what it is if I did not have the help of my parents. My mom is great with Raelyn. She helps me out a lot. She baby sits her while I go to work and take my classes.
I think she understands that I am doing the best I can and that I am trying to make something of myself so I can provide a better life for Raelyn, by giving her everything she needs and wants. There is so much I want to give her and I want her to make something of herself one day. I have felt no regret about deciding to have her. The only one regret I do have is the person I had her with. When she was born he was a part of our lives but since that time he has probably only seen her two or three times in a two year time period. Everyday I look at her I tell myself that I am glad he is not around because we deserve better.
I just cannot understand how he lives with himself and wakes up every morning knowing he has a daughter that he knows absolutely nothing about. I could not imagine the feeling of not knowing what she is doing every minute of the day. At the same time I have this hatred towards him. I try not to blame his family, one day I would like her to know that she has two half brothers, another set of grandparents and a lot of aunts and uncles. Honestly though I do not think I will take the initiative to take the first step to let her know that they exist, since they have not made any sort of attempt to contact us. The first attempt I did make to let his family get to know her was her first Thanksgiving.
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He had asked if I would take her up to his parent’s house, I said yes and when we arrived he was not there. His parents were telling me he would be coming at any time. We waited for him to show up and he never did. At that time, I think that is when I realized if he cannot take an hour or so to stop whatever it was he was doing to see his daughter, then what would be different when she calls him and wants to see him? Will she be sitting around waiting on him to come get her? That is a question I do not want to have answered. I cannot put her through that. I think the future for her and I will be a lot better without him in our lives, but I am not looking forward to the day she starts to ask questions about her father and what happened in the past that I won’t be able to explain.
When that time does come I plan to be completely honest with her and hope she understands. I am afraid she will blame me for him not being apart of her life, and if she makes the decision to find him he can explain it for himself. Let him explain why he missed her first steps, her fist day of kindergarten and why he was not there to see her graduate high school. By deciding to become a single mother, I hope I am saving Raelyn a lot of heartache in the future.
Raelyn is my world. Everything I do now and every decision I make in the future will be for her benefit. I want her to know that she should never give up because good things can come out of things that started out bad. I realize that now and am glad that I made the decision to get rid of the bad and make it good for us..